The Wait

It seems like so many people are constantly waiting for something. I know I often find this true in myself. I wait for weekends. I wait for breaks. I wait for the sunshine (here in the Pacific Northwest). I wait for the summer. I wait for the next opportunity to do this or that. Centrally in my life at this point, I wait for the time when I will move back to Africa for good. I always seem to be waiting for something.

Now, I know that being impatient and overly anxious are not very admirable qualities in a person, but they seem inescapable for me—it is as if they are deeply ingrained in me; it is my nature. The desirable characteristics are wise patience and contentment. Not necessarily a passive patience, but a calm one that realizes the passing of time. I often think of many of the wisest men I have met in my life. In them, there is a peace, a calmness, a patience. Through decades of experience, they have come to the realization that strife is meaningless, for all things have their time. The ancient King Solomon has described this in a book of wisdom called Ecclesiastes. But alas, I am young. And impatient. And often overly anxious. For young men, this is especially hard.

It is interesting, though. I say this because every time I find myself impatient and anxious, I am waiting for something. It is as if these two things are bound together in me as a figurative shackle of my humanity. Is it something that I must do in the future? Or is it perhaps something that may happen to me in the future? Some place to go or someone to meet? Or maybe it will be some thing to enjoy and find pleasure in? And then it happens: time passes and I reach the point where I can “do this thing,” or “meet this person,” or “go to this place.” The impatience withers and the anxiousness subsides, at least for a while. Then, after more time passes, I grow impatient and anxious again, waiting for the next thing, whatever it may be. I have always been this way—my mother has told me that I have gone through these cycles ever since elementary school.

If these cycles have continued for the past 20 years, then it begs the question, “If these things for which I am continually waiting are not actually satisfying me, then what am I truly waiting for?” C.S. Lewis wrote in his book, The Weight of Glory: “Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” For me, I have put away the "fooling about with drink and sex and ambition," but it seems that other things have replaced these. I now try to find satisfaction in the prospect of living life full-time overseas or in starting a family. Still, these things are far too small to satisfy me. What then?

“Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!”
–Psalm 27:14

The dictionary definition for wait for is this: to be in readiness for; be reserved for. In the past, I have often misunderstood this saying, taking wait for to mean either "wait on" like a waiter as if God needed a refill of his Diet Coke, or "wait for" as if God was delayed in carrying out his plan. To me, it is obvious that both of these misperceived definitions do not seem to agree with the character of God. It seems to me that He is the object of my waiting but I am the subject who must wait. How then must I wait? This is no passive waiting, like the passive patience mentioned above, but an active waiting as in preparing to meet. For example, no one in their right mind goes into a meeting with a powerful figure without preparing to meet them to make some sort of positive impression. Of course, this is a dim representation of how it will be when God's people are reunited with Him, but it will suffice for now.

All this to say that I often reflect on my nature as a redeemed person and am sometimes frustrated with my imperfections. I seem to have an inability to wait well. Lately, this has especially been true as I have often expressed how impatient I am and how ready I am to move on to the "next thing." At this point, as I am nearing the end of the rope of my patience, I can only hope that my God will be my strength and give my heart courage so that I can wait well for Him, not for the next upcoming stage in my life.

May I not be so easily pleased.